Soylent 3.0 is here! (This is fictional)


#1

Greetings and Happy New Years, valued customers! On this beautiful Wednesday morning, January 1st 2020, we have a marvelous announcement indeed. It’s been a long and hectic year and, in the hope that we might propitiate our growing global market, we’ve decided to reveal a super secret Soylent project. It has been in the making for over 3 years and has used up a sizeable amount of our margins in the form of tireless research and manpower. Billions of dollars and thousands of people in dozens of facilities spanning the world have given us a masterpeice that we’re sure you’ll love.

THE DELIVERY:

We have formed a partnership with FedEx to get your Soylent to you quickly and safely. Using the XK Zeus 244 drone carrier, we will be routing your order to your location day-of-order. XK will itself release smaller drones, weather permitting, in order to service multiple homes at once. The toroid net uses low-voltage projection to conceal its location, as well as cold-simulation software to decieve IR cameras in today’s advanced mobile phones. It is worth noting that the FAA has live stream of our entire network (as do the Canadian and European agencies). These precautions are for the public alone, as no doubt you’ve seen the reports of drone ships being shot down and looted and gutted.

In difficult weather the XK will deliver packages itself, given that its weight and additional sensors and signaling capabilities will more than compensate. In emergency weather, we will delay your order to save our XK fleet from damages (as well as your package) and credit your account accordingly, which can be used for select items in our store!

For those with the FedEx box installation, XK will request access and dispense the package safely. If the XK is denied access, your delivery will be dispensed at your back porch. Delivery time overall will not take more than 6 hours. You can schedule your delivery within available time slots and recieve GPS feed and text message notifications.

THE BRACE:

Soylent Brace is a new, competitive wearable bracelet that has an impressive list of capabilities. 80% of the physical product is a Li-on battery, providing over 100 days of continuous power. The Brace is temperature neutral and capable of increasing body temperature through a differential pulse mechanism. The Brace can sense pulse, temperature, sea level, atmospheric pressure, speed, humidity, air quality, blood sugar and blood pressure and MINERAL CONCENTRATIONS. The Brace monitors sleep stages and times your alarm to coincide with the proper cycle timing to avoid feelings of exhaustion. The Brace can project the time and basic mobile notifications on solid surfaces indoors. For participating customers, the Brace can share select information with your physician or a number of autonomous health recommendation systems. The Brace is also a flashlight and has a flint node for starting fires! The Brace is shock resistant, fire proof, water proof and can resist 100 feet of underwater pressure (scuba diving, anyone?)

SOYLENT 3.0: Introducing our most advanced version yet.

Soylent 3.0 has too many improvements to list here, so we’ll include the most noteworthy and send a full 200-page PDF breakdown of the structure and function of this groundbreaking product.

Soylent macros and micros are now modular! After years and years of careful in-house research, we have managed to provide a modular approach to our eager and diverse global market.

Soylent comes packaged in a multi-compartment, biodegradable tub with a rotating cone shaped nozzle. As you rotate the nozzle, you will be able to dispense fat, protein and carbohydrates labeled F-P-C, respectively.

The fiber, micronutrients and electrolytes come as individual pills in a compartment found on the flat side opposite to the cone nozzle.

The micronutrient pills are exactly 1 day’s dose each and dissolve in roughly 60 seconds. We have separated them for our significant portion of customers that tend to consume more or less than a day of macronutrient powder on a continuous basis. Additionally, we like being able to sell our pills separately for DIYers.

We are particularly proud of our ability to separate the micronutrient. It is a result of our personal team of chemical engineers, as well as a long list of contributing teams around the world. Making a single pill for every mineral and vitamin and maintaining a prolonged inert state has proven extremely difficult. We are forever indebted to everyone who helped with this incredible milestone and hope it proves useful for years to come.

The electrolyte pills are also dissolvable and also separated for our more active users. Active or not, it can be difficult to accurately take in electrolytes for customers who consume an irregular daily amount of Soylent macronutrients.

The fiber pills come in 6 gram amounts. We use a probiotic fiber complex that has shown years of positive health benefits and no side effects at doses of up to 50 grams.
More information can be found in 3.0’s homepage where we have included a link to the full PDF report.

Soylent is now room-temperature palatable and requires no refrigeration. We have incorporated a set of emulsifiers into the fat and carb powder that provide minimal mixing action and rapid diffusion. Soylent can be prepared and consumed in under 2 minutes. Our packaging and chemical wizardry has enabled us to rate 3.0’s shelf life at 10 years sealed and 6 years unsealed!

MACRONUTRIENTS:

Our fat, fiber, protein and carb complexes are now either mechanically or microbially assembled. We are currently unable to source several of our minerals in an environmentally ethical way. We are as upset as anyone about this and are working tirelessly to find a solution. Today we can confidently say that Soylent is now completely independent of agriculture.

We have reduced water use for production over 1000x since our initial 2.0 release in 2017. We have come far but we still look to optimize and minimize on all fronts. Half of our facility is powered using Perovskite and multi-junction solar cells as well as waste heat recyclers.

We hope to hear from all of you and want to thank everyone for their commitment and support. You are our prime motivation to improve constantly and find novel solutions to global problems.


#2

I think it will be more like:
Soylent 1.43.7 is finally here!
Combined with genetic data, our activity tracker will intelligently adjust your soylent (delivered by drone at 3-4AM the following morning)!
It will connect with [Insert a bunch of apps and services here] to personalize your subscription to your needs. Have a race in a week? Your subscription will ramp up the amount of protein until the race. Have any left over? Our smart bottle will measure the remaining amount and adjust your subscription accordingly.


#3

Love the fiction! Keeps our hopes up!


#4

LOL this would’ve been a great April 1 post…


#5

Yeah, iirc, there wasn’t any April fools post this year :frowning:


#6

No there wasn’t, just some silly hunt through the website source code. I was really looking forward to a Rob blog post on the latest development in synthetic kittens that poop pure Soylent… or something.


#7

Maybe they’re busy nailing down the 1.5 formula. :wink:


#8

What number do you think they’ll get to before 2.0?
My bet is 1.7

(Edit) 2.0 will probably be finding a way to reduce the weight of the bag to 431.9 grams, and that’s about it.


#9

I think they might stop after 1.5 but not come out with a 2.0 for at least a year


#10

Um…huh?
   


#11

1.9?
    


#12

Man would love to meet just exactly what my body need in daily basis. Nice post lol


#13

lol, great post. Same day drone shipping might be coming sooner than we think. And customization too. Very imaginative topic.


#14

Originally due on April 1, this essay was only 20 days late.

Fans note that this a big improvement from prior years in which the April 1 essay was 270 days late.


#15

I prefer to think of it as 345 days early.


#16

+1 for perovskite solar cells. So cheap!

I think the Brace will be possible by 2020. Passive, non invasive blood sensing will revolutionize healthcare. Here are a few of approaches I find most promising

Photoacoustics
Quantum Dots
Raman Spectroscopy

And aptamers for biologics and pharmaceuticals

edit: fixed photoacoustics link


#17

Very good stuff you got here. Raman Spec just boggles the mind!

EDIT: Having trouble with the photoacoustics link… If it’s just a general article I’ll try wikipedia but if it’s a specific study, do share!


My 1.5 just got here (Just kidding)
#18

But those noodles aren’t healthy. Maybe Soylent Spectroscopy?