My girlfriend and I first ordered our Soylent back in May, and when we hadn’t received anything by August we decided to use a D.I.Y recipe. We settled on one by QuidNYC, that has corn masa flour as its base ingredient. Our bodies readily adapted with no ill effects, and suddenly our energy levels were higher than they had been in a
long time. The recipe itself tastes like cocoa dirt. It has a thick and granular texture that I have to really water down to drink.
We decided that we still love food too much to completely leave it out of our lives so we have DIY Soylent for breakfast and lunch, a smaller amount for dinner (for the nutritional benefits), along with a lighter than normal dinner usually consisting of a salad with either chicken or steak. Once a week we either go out to eat for dinner or we pick up something and bring it home—kind of our reward for doing well.
Both of us have lost unwanted (body fat) weight, and we have been doing various workouts such as insanity, mountain bike riding, hiking, lifting weights, etc. One of the truly nice aspects of being on Soylent is having the energy to do some of these things whereas in the past we’d be too tired after working all day. The difference is amazing.
Low and behold the official Soylent arrived. We were both excited since this meant no more turning the kitchen into an amateur chemistry lab. One bag, one bottle, mix and go—it can’t be more simple. We mixed up the first day’s
worth on Friday and split it between us to try it; I daresay it was almost delicious, and I actually was drinking it because I enjoyed it, not just because it was good for me.
Our reward this night was Chipotle; I got a steak burrito without rice, and she got a bowl. That night, I
noticed something strange happening in my digestive tract. It felt vaguely like an alien moving back and forth through my intestines.
The first explosions happened while lying in bed half asleep with my girlfriend around 4am. Luckily
the blasts were contained by the comforter and she didn’t hear them, but the temperature between the sheets rapidly rose at least ten degrees. I rolled over to face the middle of the bed, which had the effect of slightly fluffing the sheets, and was hit by what could only by described as New Jersey sewage if everyone in New Jersey had Mexican food at the same time, and pulled the sheets and comforter off to allow venting of excess gas away from my girlfriend—I know, I am a gentleman.
The next round of blasts came faster and more powerfully than the first. They could not be contained no matter how clenching was done. I lost count after twelve, but there had to be between fifteen and twenty bursts, some sounding like a machine gun, others like grenades. There was a massive firefight emanating from my butt. It was then I realized that the official Soylent had weaponized the Chipotle burrito.
The room was instantly filled with a stench that was unbearable. My eyes and my nostrils burned. My girlfriend woke up and thought there was a sewage backup in the bathroom. The dog started whining.
I told my girlfriend that I would check on the possible sewage backup, went to the bathroom, locked the door and turned on the fan. I could not understand how one person could produce so much gas. It was amazing. Just fart after fart after fart. Not small ones mind you. Massive whoopy cushion farts. Had I been able to do this in middle school I would have been a legend.
The next day there were aftershocks until noon that were more potent than anything I had experienced.
Strong, lingering, super-extra concentrated farts that filled a two car garage within seconds.
That night I stuck to a pork chop for dinner, and had a much more peaceful nights sleep. We are going to switch over more slowly now, easing off the DIY and to the official Soylent, which I still find almost delicious.